In part one of Detox after Divorce I talked about being relentless in your search for the truth about your role in the dissolution of your marriage. I also stated that you need to get the guilt, shame and especially the blame out of your life and that you will feel freer and lighter once you do. When you stop blaming everybody else for what happened, you open yourself up to find your truth and this is what sets you free.
If I spend my time thinking about all of the things that my ex did to cause the demise of our marriage, I am wasting my precious time and energy. I might as well hit my head against the wall for a few hours. For one thing, when you are deciding if another person’s actions are right or wrong, you are in their business, a place you don’t belong. You cannot win this game. If the person’s right or wrong, then what? Then nothing, you have no control over their actions and what they do next, so stay in your own business!
Don’t waste your energy. I like to think of energy like a parking meter. You get a full meter at the beginning of the day, and depending on how you spend your energy the meter runs out either quickly or slowly. I like to make the energy in my meter last as long as possible so I don’t waste it on blaming others which drains the meter rapidly. It takes a lot of energy to run somebody else’s life and to tell them how they should conduct themselves.
So what exactly is the GIFT in finding the truth?
Let’s assume you’ve done your homework and have found a few things that you could have done differently in your marriage. Great work! Now you know what not to do next time. That’s a gift.
In my case, I had unrealistic expectations that no man could possibly live up to. I didn’t know that until I did some detoxing. If I hadn’t done any of soul-searching after my divorce I would have looked for the same thing the next time around. Why do you think people have multiple marriages? Because they don’t take the time to figure out what they did to cause the last one to end. Now that I know what I know, I can make a conscious decision whether I want to go on believing that prince charming is going to sweep me off my feet and make me happy or not.
So just to be clear:
Unaware = making the same mistakes over and over until you become aware
aware = new outcome – yea!
That is a huge gift! Ignorance is not bliss, that’s a bunch of crap.
I remember the day this concept resonated with me. I was in Israel and met a new friend that I spent the whole day with. I was exhausted by the end of the day and quite bitchy actually. I’m not sure how rude I was to him, but at one point he said “You are so self-righteous!” so I must have said something that wasn’t very nice. At first I was mad. I thought, “How could he say something like that to me?” “He doesn’t know me.” “I’m a nice person.” Then, I thought about it. He was so right! I am self-righteous and I always have been. I just never knew I was. I’m so thankful that he said that. I was living in the dark. How could I ever stop being self-righteous if I never even knew that I was? That day I realized that I could consciously decide whether I want to be self-righteous or not. Some days I want to be and some days I don’t, but I choose now. This is a gift!
Ultimately, it would be great to strive to find all of our faults so that we can decide how we’re going to behave rather than reacting constantly to outside forces. Ask friends and family to tell you what you can work on. Unfortunately, people don’t want you to know the truth because they are afraid of hurting your feeling, so don’t push them. You can do your own soul-searching.
Let’s stay in our business, focus on ourselves and what we do have control over; our behavior. Don’t be afraid to know the truth about yourself. It may sting for a minute or even make you cry, but then it will set you free! Dig deep to find your truth, it’s the path to your peace of mind.